The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle: What it is and how to know if you’re in one.
By Natalie Bartlett
Narcissistic abuse is a cycle marked by a pattern of behavior that is characterized by relationships of people who possess narcissistic traits. Narcissistic abuse follows a predictable pattern , and recognizing it is the first step toward healing.
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), also known as narcissists, generally have a severe lack of empathy for others, have a grandiose sense of self, and unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment. It is important to note that narcissists often have trouble establishing relationships across all areas of life.
The narcissistic abuse cycle involves first idealizing someone, then devaluing them, repeating this cycle, only to eventually discard them when they have no further use for them. Following are descriptions of these stages.
The Idealization Stage
Characterized by appreciation and “love bombing,” wherein the narcissist connects instantly with you, the narcissist makes you feel fantastic and that you are on a pedestal. Regardless of the type of relationship, it has a fast, rushed quality to it. If it is a romantic relationship, you will be dazzled with compliments and gifts and it will seem they have fallen in love with you.
However, some control tactics may be present, such as shaming you for spending time with anyone else outside the relationship and breaking your predetermined boundaries. Likewise, you will see fake empathy displayed toward you, along with fake promises and mirroring of your words and actions.
The Devaluation Stage
This stage usually begins slowly when the narcissist hints you have done something wrong, forgotten something important, or hurt their feelings. Some indicators of devaluation include:
Passive-aggressiveness
Backhanded compliments
Stonewalling
Ridicule and humiliation
Name-calling
No-win situations
Zero empathy or validation
Gaslighting – being accused of things you did not do and pressuring you until you wonder whether you actually did them. You start to question your memory and sanity.
Other tactics include warnings, ultimatums, blackmail, and threats of self-harm. These are all ways to manipulate the victim.
The Repetition Stage
The devaluation stage leaves you depressed and scared of losing the relationship with the narcissist. So you either try harder to please them, OR you pull away to protect yourself. This enrages the narcissist. Therefore, the narcissist starts the cycle of idealization / devaluation over again. Long term, however, the narcissist cannot sustain a relationship, because they must protect their fragile sense of self by belittling others.
“Long term, however, the narcissist cannot sustain a relationship, because they must protect their fragile sense of self by belittling others.”
The Discard Stage
The narcissist decides they are done with you and rejection is usually swift. Or, the victim decides the narcissist is not healthy for them and breaks free, finally.
Who is Targeted by the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
Narcissists can and will target anyone for their cycle of abuse, but most often, there are certain types of individuals that do tend to get “cast” into the role of victim. They are people they believe are easier to exploit or manipulate, such as:
Socially isolated or the lonely
Those with a history of trauma or abuse
Those with low self-esteem
Those who are financially dependent
Those dealing with a chronic illness
Those who are emotionally dependent or reliant on others
If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone. What happened to you was not your fault. You don't have to keep living in confusion and pain.
At Elliant Counseling Services, we specialize in helping survivors of narcissistic abuse and betrayal trauma reclaim their sense of self. Our therapists use evidence-based, body-centered approaches to help you process what you've been through and move forward with clarity and confidence.
Embrace the courage to change and contact Elliant Counseling Services to schedule a free confidential consultation today!